My brain hurts. From over thinking. My heart hurts. From over-feeling. My ears hurt from over-listening. My mouth hurts from over-talking. My eyes are bloodshot and dry from over-crying. And under sleeping. I’m tired, restless, confused, certain. Uncertain. I don’t have an appetite. Or, maybe I want to go to Waffle House or somewhere really greasy. I think I just want some chocolate. I can’t decide. I know only one thing: I don’t want to be a grown up today. I would like to hire a “decision maker.” Someone who thrives on decisivity, seeing all sides of the decision equation, and maybe also someone who has the ability to see the future.
It’s hard to make a decision that I know will involve change, and most likely, hurt, whichever way we go. Change is good, but change is hard. It’s even more difficult when you’re not the only person involved. And especially hard because I tend to be a confrontation avoider. And perhaps a person who weighs the response of loved ones more heavily than my own. I can cry all day, but when I see those I love crying, I will go to great lengths to plug up those waterfalls. I won’t go chasin’ those waterfalls though. A valuable lesson I learned from TLC.
Inevitably, in life, there are these forks in the road. Life decisions that are HUGE. (All caps for added effect.) You can only ride the brakes for so long. Before you curb check, maybe lose a hubcap Or two and then swing your van full of boys to the right. Or wait, no, to the left.
We’ve made a pros and cons list. That didn’t help much. We’ve talked to a lot of people who are invested in us and who love us. That helped and made it harder too. We’ve said a lot of prayers. Had a lot of people praying for us. Talked a lot to God. Listened intently. Searched. Read a lot. Can you ever truly know if the decision you make is the right one? The best decision? Maybe later, like years down the road. Maybe not ever.
I am pretty certain that having deep meaningful conversations with people who care about you and some who feel like they may lose you from in front of their faces is not a bad problem to have. Sometimes, as an adult, metaphorically speaking, you need to get your yearbook signed to know you really matter. We’ve been honored to have so many friends that care so much and really want the best for us, even if that meant moving away. We have asked a lot of mentors, old friends, new friends, coworker friends, mom friends, and family for advice. What should we do? Please just tell us. We’re laying all of the cards on the table. It’s a gamble. We give you our money, we’ll trust you, you take the risk. If and only if you agree to not conclude our conversation with, “It’s a really hard decision.” Peace. We realize that every person who offers advice is typically seeing the situation through their own eyes, experiences, hopes and fears.
Despite my tendency to over think and outweigh everybody else’s opinions above my own, it comes down to what will be the best decision for our family. The family that lives in this house. Under this roof. The husband and boys that I wake up to and tuck in each night. It’s a lot of pressure.
At midnight, when I’m driving home from work, I pull into our neighborhood and there are four deer, running right next to the road. I pull over, stop the car. One brave deer stops, or maybe I was brave. I stopped too. That deer stares at me, as the three others move on. And it wasn’t staring at my headlights, they were facing the other direction. It was for-real staring, like we were having a contest. Or like it was trying to tell me something. Maybe he just liked my new glasses. Great. Now, I need a weird animal encounter interpreter. Should we stay or should we go? If that deer could talk….It may just ask me where some water is. I don’t know. Maybe I’m losing my mind.
The uber bizarre part is four days later, I’m driving to pick up my boys around 2 in the afternoon. On the same street, in the middle of the day, out of nowhere, a deer is running along side of the road. Just one deer. Confused and out-of-place. Running around the neighborhood. In broad daylight. What?? Really. Craziness. And I just happened to be thinking about this really hard decision. Seriously bizarre-o, right? I think so, and don’t try to tell me it was a coincidence. Too strange. It means something. I just know it. I just don’t know what it means. Yet.